


If You Never Say Your Name Out Loud to Anyone

by wonderofasunrise



Series: Love & Loss [4]
Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: F/M, Mark Greene/Susan Lewis (ER TV 1994) - Freeform, Minimum Dialogue, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27916441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderofasunrise/pseuds/wonderofasunrise
Summary: Now that Susan has left, Mark wonders if he should have tried harder when she was there—and if there is a chance to mend things.
Relationships: Mark Greene/Susan Lewis (ER TV 1994)
Series: Love & Loss [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033827
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	If You Never Say Your Name Out Loud to Anyone

**Author's Note:**

> Very special thanks to Kam and Zoë for the encouragement every single time and for being the best co-writers anyone could ask for, and to Regina Spektor, The Corrs, and Fleetwood Mac for whenever I needed an extra dose of musical inspiration.
> 
> Featuring an excerpt from "Better" by Regina Spektor.

_You're getting sadder, getting sadder  
Getting sadder, getting sadder  
And I don't understand  
And I don't understand_

_But if I kiss you where it's sore  
If I kiss you where it's sore  
Will you feel better, better, better?  
Will you feel anything at all?_

* * *

Mark couldn’t stop looking at his phone, pondering—for the umpteenth time—whether he should give her a call.

How would that work out? Starting with a ‘hi’, then asking about how Phoenix had been treating her, how little Suzie was, whether she missed Chicago and County? Would he end up spending a good few seconds in total silence, not knowing what exactly to say while making a(n even bigger) fool of himself?

Either way, he was both eager _and_ reluctant to find out.

He got up from his chair, deciding to pace back and forth as if it could somehow provide a magical cure to his anxiety (it did not). At one point he knocked over an empty beer bottle on his coffee table, which then prompted him to take a good look around his small apartment. To say that it was a mess would have been an understatement; these days he couldn’t even be bothered to sleep in his bed and had taken to doing so on his couch instead. He had never even thought about getting things together, he believed, since the day of her departure. _I mean, what’s the point?_

All the while, his eyes remained fixated on the phone.

A thought suddenly crossed his mind, though not for the first time. Had he had anything to do with her decision to leave? Could it have been because of him all along?

He shook his head and chuckled to himself. _No,_ he thought, _it couldn’t be._ She had made it clear when she’d told him about Morgenstern granting her request for a transfer. She had wanted to be close to Suzie, the niece who at one point had almost become her daughter, and she had felt that she had had no more reason to stay in Chicago. She had needed to start anew, so she’d told him.

_But should I have tried harder?_

Every day since her departure he had cursed himself for failing to try hard enough, for being chickened out so easily when it came to his feelings for her. All along he had known he had fallen in love with her, but he had never had the courage to act on it. He’d always thought there had been plenty of time, seeing that they had worked together and seen each other almost everyday, but then she had told him that she had planned on leaving and even that had not been enough to prompt him to act. These days just the thought of it hurt, and while it never interfered with his work it pained him so much he could hardly think about anything else.

He loved her so much it deeply hurt him now that she had left, and especially because he couldn’t stop wondering about what could have and should have been. As far as he was concerned, he was bound to feel like this for the remainder of his life—if it somehow never brought her back to him, at least.

He looked at the phone again. He was not a man of many words, especially when it came to her, but he began asking himself whether he wanted to make yet another mistake. He didn’t know how good of a chance he had now, but he figured he had to at least give it another try.

His trembling hand finally touched the receiver of the phone, and he started dialing the number she’d given him shortly after her arrival in Phoenix; he still didn’t know what he would end up saying, but whatever it was he was sure it would be better than nothing at all. Better than letting his feelings for her go unsaid yet again.

The call went straight to her answering machine, and he let out a sigh as he took a quick look at the clock on his wall. It was getting late, and though he knew he probably should have called at a more reasonable hour at the same time he felt a tiny bit of relief, because he knew listening to her voice in real time at the other end would certainly kill him right there and then. He hated that he wasn’t yet ready, but he kept telling himself it was better to take things slow for now.

Most certainly, it was better than nothing at all.

“ _This is the answering machine of Dr Susan Lewis. Please leave a message. Thank you,_ ” it said, and he let out a smile.

Her voice was still the same as it had been when she’d left—would her lips still also feel the same as it had when she’d given him that kiss?

The kiss had been as gentle as he’d expected whenever he had wondered what it would have been like to feel those full lips against his own, the lips that he had been so familiar with whenever they had formed _that_ smile. Still, when it had finally happened there had been a tinge of soreness. The striking pain at the realisation that it had been their first and only kiss, and though she had not dared to tell him that they had not belonged together her eyes had said it all.

He knew that to her it had been a pleasant goodbye kiss. He wished it had been as pleasant to him, but instead it had left a soreness that he still did not know how to cure.

It took him a couple of seconds to finally speak, “Um—hi. It’s Mark. I-I just want to see how you’re doing. How’s little Suzie? Here it’s—well, it’s not the same without you, and I know the others agree with me.”

Another couple of seconds and he took a deep breath. Whatever it was, it had to be said. She needed to know how much he truly cared about her, even after she had left, and that was one thing that would never change.

“I miss you, Susan. I-I can’t stop thinking about that day at the station, and I keep kicking myself for not saying it sooner.

“I love you. I really do. I miss you so much, and I want you to know that,” he blurted out, all the words simply rolling out of his tongue without him giving much thought to them, but one thing for sure he meant each one of it, and he hoped it showed when she finally heard it.

He had said it, and he thought it should be enough for the moment. He had forced himself to stay quiet for so long, and by the time he had said it out loud it had been too late. He did not want a repeat of that again—once was painful enough as it was.

However the outcome might be, at least he had said it this time and with great conviction. At the very least, that was one thing he knew he would never regret.

  
  



End file.
